The Courage to Be Disliked:

Why letting go of approval makes you a better colleague and leader.

Most workplace stress doesn’t come from the work itself. It comes from people. 

From worrying about how a comment will land in a meeting. From saying “yes” when you mean “no.” From trying to be liked by everyone, your boss, your peers, your direct reports.

I get it, it can get very overwhelming. This made me pull a book off the shelf I read a couple of years ago called The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.  

This is not business book; in fact, I think it would be classified as a self-help. The Courage to Be Disliked builds off the work of Alfred Adler, and early contemporary of Freud and Jung. Adlerian psychology focuses on purpose, social connection, and personal responsibility.  

I am not going too deep into Adlerian psychology, but I want you to have a point of reference.  Alders approach is: 

• Less focused on diagnosing pathology 

• More focused on empowerment, responsibility, and choice 

• Emphasize encouragement rather than interpretation 

• Views people as capable of change in the present moment 

The book has a core premise that true freedom comes from accepting that you cannot control how others see you and choosing to live according to your own values. However, it does offer an unexpectedly powerful lens for understanding workplace dynami

cs. The Courage to be Disliked challenges a deeply ingrained professional instinct: the need for approval.  

Approval-Seeking Is the Hidden Cost of “Being a Team Player” 

In many organizations, approval seeking disguises itself as collaboration or professionalism. We soften feedback to avoid tension. We take on extra work to avoid disappointing others. We stay silent in meetings to avoid being seen as difficult. But Adlerian psychology argues that this constant need for recognition gives away our autonomy. When your primary goal is to be liked, your decisions stop being value-driven and start being fear-driven. 

At work, that fear shows up as: 

• Avoiding honest conversations 

• Over-functioning to compensate for others 

• Resentment masked as “helpfulness” 

• Leaders who hesitate to lead 

The book’s central idea is simple but uncomfortable: living freely requires courage to be disliked. In the workplace, that doesn’t mean being abrasive or careless it means choosing integrity over approval. 

Task Separation: The Most Underrated Workplace Skill 

One of the book’s most practical concepts is task separation. It asks a deceptively simple question: Whose responsibility is this? 

Your responsibility: 

• Communicating clearly and respectfully 

• Making thoughtful decisions 

• Setting boundaries 

• Doing your work with integrity 

Not your responsibility: 

• How others feel about your boundaries 

• Whether someone agrees with your decision 

• Whether your feedback is immediately well received 

In workplace terms, this is transformative. A manager can give honest feedback without owning an employee’s emotional reaction. An employee can say no without managing a colleague’s disappointment. A leader can make an unpopular but necessary decision without spiraling into self-doubt. 

Task separation doesn’t eliminate conflict it prevents emotional overreach. 

All Workplace Problems Are Relational

(Yes, All of Them) 

The book asserts that “all problems are interpersonal,” and the workplace is a perfect testing ground for that claim. Performance issues, communication breakdowns, and morale challenges often trace back to unmet expectations, unclear roles, or unspoken power dynamics. 

When we stop competing for validation and start focusing on contribution, the tone of work changes. The goal shifts from “How do I look?” to “How can I add value?” 

This mindset: 

• Reduces comparison and imposter syndrome 

• Encourages collaboration over competition 

• Helps teams tolerate healthy disagreement 

Paradoxically, when approval stops being the goal, trust often increases. 

Leadership Requires the Courage to Be Misunderstood. Perhaps the most relevant lesson for leaders is this: you cannot lead and be universally liked. 

Good leadership involves decisions that will frustrate, disappoint, or unsettle people especially in times of change. Leaders who prioritize likability over clarity often delay decisions, send mixed messages, or avoid accountability. 

Adlerian courage in leadership looks like: 

• Being clear instead of popular 

• Setting expectations instead of appeasing 

• Trusting people’s resilience rather than rescuing them 

This isn’t cold leadership it’s respectful leadership. It assumes others are capable adults who can manage their own reactions. 

What Freedom at Work Actually Looks Like 

Having the courage to be disliked at work doesn’t mean withdrawing or disengaging. It means showing up fully without performing for approval. 

It looks like: 

• Speaking honestly in meetings 

• Setting boundaries without guilt 

• Giving feedback with care, not fear 

• Letting go of the need to be “the good one” 

In the end, The Courage to Be Disliked reminds us that psychological freedom is not a personality trait it’s a practice. And in the workplace, it may be one of the most sustainable paths to healthier teams, clearer leadership, and work that feels aligned instead of exhausting.