Curiosity Over Control: A Better Way to Navigate Workplace Conflict

Lately, I’ve been dealing with a bit of inner turmoil around conflict. The tricky part is that I can’t tell whether the conflict is real or something I’ve created in my own head an imagined beef rooted in the perception that one person, in particular, is being intentionally contrary. Not contentious. Just… contrary.

That uncertainty got me thinking more deeply about conflict and, more specifically, how I approach it.

I’m generally pretty good at coaching others through conflict. I can help people slow down, sort through emotions, and figure out next steps. But when it’s my own conflict? That’s a different story. I tend to run two parallel processes. First, there’s the non-HR approach the internal dialogue, the overthinking, the replaying of conversations in my head. Then there’s the logical approach, where I try to step back, assess the facts, and apply the same framework I’d recommend to anyone else. This tension between emotion and logic forced me to pause and reflect.

What actually is conflict?

Conflict is a situation in which two or more people perceive that their needs, goals, values, or expectations are incompatible, leading to tension, disagreement, or opposition.

Conflict is based on perception, not just intent or facts, it can exist even when no one is wrong, and it is not inherently negative, what matters is how it’s managed. In simple terms, conflict happens when people feel stuck, unheard, blocked, or misaligned and don’t know how to resolve it productively.

In my case, the conflict is with someone whose first answer is almost always no. And unless I follow up with why or how do we get to a better solution, the conversation just… stops there. For me, that doesn’t feel customer-focused or rooted in partnership. As an HR partner even when the answer turns out to truly be a no, I don’t start there, I will always pick up the phone and ask, What are you trying to accomplish? I try to understand the goal and see if there’s a path forward. I understand my role as an HR Partner is to help my units meet their strategic priorities.

On the flip side, they never pick up the phone. And when a mistake is made, there’s no acknowledgment no hey, I got that wrong or sorry about that. Instead, the mistake gets quietly corrected, and we all move along as if the original issue never happened.

That’s my experience. Those are my perceptions. And while, in my head, DMX is absolutely yelling, “Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here,” I also know that mental soundtrack isn’t bringing me any closer to resolution.

And here’s the thing: staying stuck in that frustration loop doesn’t actually move anything forward. As satisfying as the internal, DMX or sometimes actual song playing on my iPhone might be, it doesn’t change the dynamic or my perception of it. What it does do is harden the story I’m telling myself about the other person. That’s where curiosity comes in.

Curiosity is important in conflict because it shifts the goal from winning to understanding and that changes everything.

Curiosity is important in conflict because it shifts the goal from winning to understanding and that changes everything. When conflict shows up, especially at work or in leadership spaces, our default reaction is self-protection. We brace. We defend. We assume intent. Curiosity interrupts that instinct. Instead of leading with conclusions, it invites questions. And questions slow things down enough to create space for conversation instead of escalation.

More often than not, conflict isn’t actually about what it looks like on the surface. A “no” might not be about obstruction it might be about pressure, risk, competing priorities, or a misalignment in expectations. Curiosity helps surface the real issue, not just the visible one. Without it, we end up arguing about symptoms instead of causes.

Curiosity also humanizes the other person. When you ask why someone thinks or feels a certain way, you’re reminding yourself and them that they are more than their position or response. Feeling seen and heard doesn’t magically create agreement, but it does lower tension and increase the chances of cooperation.

And then there’s the stories we tell ourselves. Conflict is fertile ground for false narratives. When information is missing, our brains fill in the gaps, usually with something negative. Curiosity replaces assumption with fact. It allows us to test our interpretations instead of treating them as truth.

What I’m learning is that curiosity doesn’t mean being passive or avoiding hard conversations. You can still be firm about expectations and boundaries while staying curious about perspective. In fact, curiosity preserves relationships while addressing issues it signals respect, even when the message is difficult.

It also leads to better, more durable solutions. When people feel included in the problem-solving process, they’re far more likely to support the outcome. Curiosity invites participation, not just compliance.

And finally, curiosity is a quiet but powerful leadership skill. Leaders who stay curious in conflict demonstrate emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and confidence. They show that disagreement isn’t a threat it’s an opportunity to learn and improve.

Curiosity turns conflict from a power struggle into a problem-solving conversation. It doesn’t soften the truth. It changes how we approach it moving from judgment to openness, and from assumption to understanding.

So what does curiosity actually look like in the moment when you’re irritated, triggered, or convinced you already know what’s going on?

It starts with asking better questions. Not “gotcha” questions. Not questions designed to prove a point. Real, open questions that help shift your perception and slow the story your brain is writing. Here are some practical curiosity questions you can use when conflict shows up:

To interrupt assumptions

• What might I be missing here?

• What story am I telling myself about this situation?

• Do I have facts, or am I filling in gaps?

To understand intent and context

• What are you trying to accomplish?

• What constraints or pressures are you working under?

• What does success look like from your perspective?

To shift from “no” to possibility

• What makes this a no right now?

• What would need to change for this to become a yes?

• Is there an alternative path that still meets your goal?

To reduce defensiveness (yours and theirs)

• Can you help me understand how you’re seeing this?

• What concerns you most about this approach?

• Where do you feel stuck?

To reset the relationship

• How do you prefer to work through disagreements?

• What would make collaboration easier moving forward?

• What’s one thing we could do differently next time?

And sometimes, the most important one

• Am I trying to win this or understand it?

These questions don’t guarantee agreement. They don’t magically fix difficult dynamics. But they do something just as important: they create movement. They replace silent resentment with dialogue and turn frustration into information.

And maybe just maybe they quiet the DMX soundtrack enough to get you closer to resolution.